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Course Catalog / BMU 101 / Lesson 5 of 7

BMU 101

Day 5: Stop Living for Approval

About 7 minutes, plus 15 minutes for your action step

Quick review

What question turns a comparison feeling into a goal?

See the answer

"Do I actually want their life, or do I want one thing they have?"

You said yes again, smiled, and drove home annoyed. Wanting to be liked is human. Letting it steer every choice is expensive. Today you find something steadier to steer by.

Start where you are: Think of the last time you said yes mainly so someone would not be upset. How did you feel afterward?

In this lesson you will

  • Notice when you are acting for approval instead of your values
  • Choose three values to guide your choices
  • Write your own one sentence definition of success

A common belief, checked

Many people believe: "If I stop caring what people think, I'll become selfish."

What actually helps: Living by your values is not the same as not caring. You can still be kind. You just stop letting approval make the call.

Key words

Values
The few things that matter most to you, like family, faith, health, or honesty.
Approval seeking
Making choices mainly to be liked or to avoid upsetting people.

When approval takes the wheel

Wanting to be liked is human. The trouble starts when other people's approval becomes the main thing steering your choices.

You say yes to keep the peace. You shrink your opinions to avoid friction. You end up living a life that pleases everyone except you.

The way out is not to stop caring about people. It is to have something steadier to steer by: your values.

The approval check

Before a decision, ask two questions:

  1. "If no one ever found out about this choice, would I still make it?"
  2. "Does this line up with what I say matters most to me?"

If the honest answer to the first question is no, you may be performing for an audience. That is worth noticing.

Stop chasing, start building

This course's Attraction System has four moves.

  1. Name the chase. Notice whose approval you keep chasing.
  2. Stop the leak. Cut the habit that shows your need most, like constant checking or overexplaining.
  3. Invest inward. Put that time into one skill or one relationship that pours back.
  4. Practice patience. Real respect and connection take time to grow.

Define success your way

The Alignment Map is simple. Name it: write your definition of success in one sentence. Align it: look at your week and see how much pointed toward it. Live it: make small changes, one at a time.

Your definition can be big. The point is that you chose it.

Saying no with your values

Values make hard choices simpler. When a request comes in, you are not asking "Will they be upset?" You are asking "Does this fit what I said matters most?"

You can still be kind. "I can't host this year, but I'd love to bring dessert" honors the relationship and your values at the same time.

You will disappoint some people when you live by your values. That costs far less than being someone else for years.

Worked example: the holiday request

An illustrative composite. The person and details are made up.

  1. The request: family asks you to host the holiday again.
  2. Question 1: if no one ever knew, would you still choose this? Honestly, no.
  3. Question 2: does it match what matters most? Your top value this year is rest with your kids. It does not match.
  4. The choice: you offer to bring two dishes instead of hosting. You still show up for family, on terms that fit your values.

Common mistakes

Try it: Find your top three values

Pick one to work on:

  • A family request
  • A work or school request
  • A choice about how you spend your money or time

Support level: Some support. Use the starter phrases from this lesson, then put them in your own words.

  1. Open the free Values Worksheet, or use paper.
  2. Pick up to five values that feel true to you, then narrow to three.
  3. Write one recent choice that matched each value, and one that went against a value.
  4. Write your one sentence definition of success.

Do it by: Sunday

Use: the free Values Worksheet.

Reflect

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Check your understanding

Pick an answer, then open "See the answer." Try as many times as you like.

1. What does the lesson call a steady compass?

  1. A. Approval
  2. B. Your values
  3. C. Your feed
See the answer to question 1

The best answer is B: Your values

  • A: Not quite. Approval shifts with every person. To improve: reread Your values, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
  • B: Correct. Values hold steady.
  • C: Not quite. Feeds change every minute. To improve: reread Your values, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

2. You want to post a photo mainly to get likes from one person. You would not post it if no one could see it. What does the approval check suggest?

  1. A. You may be performing for an audience
  2. B. Post it; it is harmless
  3. C. Delete all social media
See the answer to question 2

The best answer is A: You may be performing for an audience

  • A: Correct. The first question flagged it.
  • B: Not quite. It may be harmless, but the check says notice it. To improve: reread The approval check, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
  • C: Not quite. The lesson asks you to notice, not to quit everything. To improve: reread The approval check, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

3. Your friend says, "Defining success your own way just means settling for less." What does this lesson say?

  1. A. They are right
  2. B. Self defined does not mean small; aim high at a target you chose
  3. C. Success should be defined by others
See the answer to question 3

The best answer is B: Self defined does not mean small; aim high at a target you chose

  • A: Not quite. Self defined does not mean small. To improve: reread Define success your way, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
  • B: Correct. This is the trap the lesson names.
  • C: Not quite. That is the approval trap. To improve: reread Define success your way, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

4. Which is a move in the Attraction System?

  1. A. Stop the leak
  2. B. Play hard to get
  3. C. Check their page more often
See the answer to question 4

The best answer is A: Stop the leak

  • A: Correct. Cut the habit that shows your need most.
  • B: Not quite. This lesson calls games a trap. To improve: reread Stop chasing, start building, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
  • C: Not quite. That is the leak. To improve: reread Stop chasing, start building, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

Recap

  • Approval is a shaky compass. Values are a steady one.
  • Two quick questions show when you are performing.
  • Name it, align it, live it: success on your terms.
  • Some disappointment is the price of an honest life.

You now have: three named values and a one sentence definition of success.

Next up: Day 6 adds what fills you: small joys you can build into any day.

Sources

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