Course Catalog / BMU 101 / Lesson 3 of 7

BMU 101

Day 3: Boundaries Without Drama

About 7 minutes, plus 10 minutes for your action step

Quick review

What are the three steps of the pause from Day 2?

See the answer

Notice, Name, Choose.

Your phone lights up. It is the same request again, and you already know you will say yes and resent it. Today you write a boundary short enough to actually use, so you stop paying for yeses you never meant.

Start where you are: How do you say no right now? A long explanation, a yes you regret, or avoiding the person? Notice which one you lean on.

What a boundary is

A boundary is not a wall. It is not a punishment. It is a clear statement of what you will and will not do.

You cannot control what other people do. You can decide what you do in response.

Think of it this way: walls isolate, boundaries set terms. A boundary does not say "you are a bad person." It says "here is how I can and cannot be treated."

Should I say yes? The Three Filters of No

• Energy filter: Will this cost me more than it gives me?
• Alignment filter: Does this match my values and my goals?
• Legacy filter: Five years from now, will I be glad I said yes?

If a request fails two filters, the answer is no. If it fails all three, the answer is no with zero guilt.

Shorter is stronger

Many boundaries fail because they are too long. We explain, apologize, and justify until the other person finds a gap to argue with. A strong boundary is short, calm, and repeatable.

Three scripts you can borrow

• The simple no: "Thanks for thinking of me. I can't do that this time." Yes, even when it is your cousin asking to borrow money again.
• The limit: "I can talk for ten minutes, then I need to go."
• The if, then: "If the yelling starts, I am going to step away, and we can try again later."

Expect pushback

People who benefited from you having no boundaries may not cheer when you set one. That reaction is information, not proof you did something wrong. Stay kind, stay short, and repeat yourself if needed.

One limit: if someone is threatening or abusing you, a script is not enough and may not be safe. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. It is free, private, and open 24/7. If you are in crisis, call or text 988. If you are in danger, call 911.

Worked example: from long to short

An illustrative composite. The person and details are made up.

1. The request: your cousin asks to borrow $200 for the third time this year.
2. Run the filters. Energy: it costs you stress every time. Alignment: your goal is building savings. Legacy: you will not be glad in five years. It fails all three.
3. Draft the long version you usually say: "I'm so sorry, I'd love to, it's just that this month my car..."
4. Cut it to the simple no: "Thanks for thinking of me. I can't do that this time." If they push, you say the same sentence again, calmly.

Common mistakes

• Explaining too much. Fix: Give one short sentence. Every extra reason is something to argue with.
• Setting a boundary as a threat. Fix: Say what you will do, not what they must do.
• Dropping it after the first pushback. Fix: Repeat the same calm words. Pushback is normal.

Check your understanding

Pick an answer, then open "See the answer." Try as many times as you like.

1. Which is a boundary, not a demand?

1. A. "You need to stop calling me so late."
2. B. "I don't answer calls after 9 p.m. I'll call you back tomorrow."
3. C. "If you call late again, we're done forever."

See the answer to question 1

The best answer is B: "I don't answer calls after 9 p.m. I'll call you back tomorrow."

• A: Not quite. That tells the other person what they must do. To improve: reread What a boundary is, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
• B: Correct. This says what you will do.
• C: Not quite. That is closer to a wall or a threat. To improve: reread What a boundary is, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

2. A coworker asks you to cover their shift again. It would cost you sleep, it does not fit your goals, and you will not be glad later. What do the Three Filters say?

1. A. Say yes this one time
2. B. No, with zero guilt
3. C. Ask your boss to decide for you

See the answer to question 2

The best answer is B: No, with zero guilt

• A: Not quite. It fails all three filters. To improve: reread Should I say yes? The Three Filters of No, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
• B: Correct. Failing all three filters means no with zero guilt.
• C: Not quite. The decision is yours to make. To improve: reread Should I say yes? The Three Filters of No, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

3. You set a boundary and your friend says, "Wow, you've changed." What does the lesson suggest?

1. A. Take it back right away
2. B. Stay kind, stay short, and repeat yourself
3. C. Cut them off completely

See the answer to question 3

The best answer is B: Stay kind, stay short, and repeat yourself

• A: Not quite. Pushback does not mean the boundary is wrong. To improve: reread Expect pushback, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
• B: Correct. Their reaction is information. Review: Expect pushback.
• C: Not quite. That is a wall, not a boundary. To improve: reread Expect pushback, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

4. Why do many boundaries fail?

1. A. They are too short
2. B. They are too long, with too many explanations
3. C. They are said kindly

See the answer to question 4

The best answer is B: They are too long, with too many explanations

• A: Not quite. Short is the goal. To improve: reread Shorter is stronger, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
• B: Correct. Long explanations give people gaps to argue with.
• C: Not quite. Kind is good. Long is the problem. To improve: reread Shorter is stronger, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

Next up: Day 4 helps you quiet the comparison noise in your feeds.

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