Course Catalog / BMU 102 / Lesson 6 of 6

BMU 102

Lesson 6: After the Talk

About 8 minutes, plus 15 minutes for your action step

Content note: This lesson talks about family conflict and old hurts. Go at your own pace, skip what you need to, and stop if it gets heavy.

Quick review

What is the difference between listening and agreeing?

See the answer

Listening means understanding their view well enough to summarize it. You can still share your own view after.

The talk is over. Maybe it went better than you hoped. Maybe it went sideways. Either way, what you do in the next few days often matters more than what you said.

Start where you are: After a hard talk, what do you usually do? Replay it for days, act like it never happened, or check back in? Think about what has worked for you before.

If it went well

• Thank them, even briefly: "I know that was not easy. Thank you for talking with me."
• Write down what you agreed to, and follow through on your part quickly.
• Plan a short check in a week or two later.

If it went poorly

• Give it time. First reactions are often not final.
• Own your part if you slipped: "I raised my voice, and I am sorry. I still want to talk about this."
• Revisit your goal. Did you get to say what you needed? That counts.
• Hold your boundary. You can be kind and still not accept the same treatment again.

Repair is a skill

Relationship researcher John Gottman calls this a repair attempt: anything that keeps things from getting worse (Gottman and Silver, 1999). This course uses a simple repair with five parts:

1. Own it. "I snapped at you earlier."
2. Name the impact. "That probably made you feel small."
3. Skip the excuse. No "but you..."
4. Say what you will do differently. "Next time, I'll take a minute first."
5. Reconnect. "Can we start over?"

A slip is not a failure

You will fall back into old patterns sometimes. Beating yourself up does not help. A better path is to notice the slip without shame, ask what led to it, and pick back up.

Get support when you need it

Some conversations need more help than a family can give itself. A counselor, faith leader, or other trusted professional can help. Asking for that help is a sign of strength. To find counseling near you, call the free SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357, any time, or search FindTreatment.gov.

Safety first: these tools are for ordinary family conflict. If someone in your home hurts, threatens, or controls you, do not plan a face to face talk with them. Reach out to the support lines at the bottom of this page instead.

Worked example: a follow up after a rough talk

An illustrative composite. The person and details are made up.

1. What happened: the talk with Mom about late calls got heated, and you raised your voice.
2. Two days later, the repair: "I raised my voice Sunday, and I'm sorry. I still want calls to end by 9 on weeknights."
3. Follow through: you put your phone on silent at 9, kindly, every night.
4. Check in: you set a date two weeks out to ask how the new routine is going.

Common mistakes

• Waiting for them to make the first repair. Fix: You can repair your part, whatever they do.
• Dropping the boundary to keep the peace. Fix: Be kind and keep it.
• Handling it all alone. Fix: Name one person or resource you can call.

Check your understanding

Pick an answer, then open "See the answer." Try as many times as you like.

1. Which is a full repair?

1. A. "Sorry, but you started it."
2. B. "I snapped at you. That probably felt awful. Next time I'll take a minute. Can we start over?"
3. C. Acting like nothing happened

See the answer to question 1

The best answer is B: "I snapped at you. That probably felt awful. Next time I'll take a minute. Can we start over?"

• A: Not quite. The "but" is an excuse. To improve: reread Repair is a skill, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
• B: Correct. It owns it, names impact, plans, and reconnects.
• C: Not quite. That is silence, not repair. To improve: reread Repair is a skill, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

2. Your talk with your sister ended badly, and she has not called in three days. What does the lesson suggest?

1. A. Decide it's hopeless
2. B. Give it time, own your part, and revisit your goal
3. C. Drop your boundary so she calls

See the answer to question 2

The best answer is B: Give it time, own your part, and revisit your goal

• A: Not quite. First reactions are often not final. To improve: reread If it went poorly, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
• B: Correct. These are the steps for a talk that went poorly.
• C: Not quite. You can be kind and still hold it. To improve: reread If it went poorly, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

3. You agreed with your partner to split chores differently. What builds the most trust next?

1. A. Doing your part quickly and checking in in a week or two
2. B. Reminding them daily of their part
3. C. Never mentioning it again

See the answer to question 3

The best answer is A: Doing your part quickly and checking in in a week or two

• A: Correct. Follow through is what turns words into trust.
• B: Not quite. That can feel like policing. To improve: reread If it went well, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
• C: Not quite. A planned check in helps it last. To improve: reread If it went well, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

4. When is outside support a good idea?

1. A. Only if everything else failed
2. B. When a talk needs more help than a family can give itself
3. C. Never, keep it in the family

See the answer to question 4

The best answer is B: When a talk needs more help than a family can give itself

• A: Not quite. You can ask earlier. To improve: reread Get support when you need it, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
• B: Correct. Asking is a sign of strength.
• C: Not quite. That is the silence this course helps you move past. To improve: reread Get support when you need it, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

Next up: Go to the course wrap up to check your talk plan, rate your skills, and set your 7 and 30 day check ins. Then print your certificate.

Mark complete and earn your badge