Course Catalog / BMU 102 / Lesson 3 of 6

BMU 102

Lesson 3: Choose Your Goal

About 7 minutes, plus 15 minutes for your action step

Content note: This lesson talks about family conflict and old hurts. Go at your own pace, skip what you need to, and stop if it gets heavy.

Quick review

What makes a break different from walking out?

See the answer

You say you need a break and name when you will come back.

If your secret goal is for them to admit everything and change overnight, almost any outcome will feel like failure. A clear, realistic goal gives you something to aim for and a way to know when you are done.

Start where you are: Think about the topic you named in Lesson 1. If you are honest, what do you most want from the talk right now? An apology? To be heard? To set a limit?

Why talks go sideways

Many hard talks go wrong because nobody knows what they are for. A clear goal keeps the talk from wandering into every old hurt at once.

Five common goals

• To be heard: "I want you to understand how this affected me."
• To understand: "I want to know what was going on for you."
• To repair: "I want us to find a way back to each other."
• To set a boundary: "I want to tell you what I will and will not do going forward."
• To decide something together: "I want us to agree on how we handle this next time."

Pick one main goal.

What you can and cannot control

Control check

You can control	You cannot control
How clearly you speak	Whether they agree
How well you listen	Whether they apologize
What you do afterward	Whether they change

Hope for the right column, but do not make it your measure of success.

Insight is not action

Put plainly, it is not enough to know what needs to change. You have to live like you believe it. "I need better boundaries" becomes saying no, even when it is awkward.

A script for asking

If your goal is to ask for something, you can use a skill from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) called DEAR MAN (Linehan, 2015). Describe the facts. Express how you feel. Assert what you need. Reinforce why it helps you both. MAN is how you carry it: stay Mindful of your one goal, Appear confident with a calm voice, and be willing to Negotiate.

Safety first: these tools are for ordinary family conflict. If someone in your home hurts, threatens, or controls you, do not plan a face to face talk with them. Reach out to the support lines at the bottom of this page instead.

Worked example: a goal for late night calls

An illustrative composite. The person and details are made up.

1. Topic: Mom calls after 10 p.m. most nights.
2. Tempting goal: "Make her see how inconsiderate she is." That depends on her.
3. Main goal: to set a boundary. "I want to tell her calls need to end by 9 on weeknights."
4. Good enough outcome: "I said it calmly, and I'll keep my phone on silent after 9 either way."

Common mistakes

• Picking three goals at once. Fix: Choose one. Save the others for another talk.
• Measuring success by their reaction. Fix: Measure what you can control.
• Skipping a backup plan. Fix: Decide what you will do if they do not respond well.

Check your understanding

Pick an answer, then open "See the answer." Try as many times as you like.

1. Which goal is fully in your control?

1. A. Getting them to apologize
2. B. Saying clearly what you will do going forward
3. C. Making them agree with you

See the answer to question 1

The best answer is B: Saying clearly what you will do going forward

• A: Not quite. Their apology is up to them. To improve: reread What you can and cannot control, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
• B: Correct. That is a boundary goal you control.
• C: Not quite. Agreement is up to them. To improve: reread What you can and cannot control, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

2. You want to talk to your sister about the way she treats your kids, but also about money she owes and an old fight from high school. What would this lesson suggest?

1. A. Cover all three so it's done
2. B. Pick one main goal for this talk
3. C. Skip the talk

See the answer to question 2

The best answer is B: Pick one main goal for this talk

• A: Not quite. Several goals at once makes a talk wander. To improve: reread Why talks go sideways, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
• B: Correct. One goal gives you focus and a way to know when you are done.
• C: Not quite. The lesson helps you have it, one goal at a time. To improve: reread Why talks go sideways, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

3. You set a boundary calmly. Your dad says, "Fine, whatever," and hangs up. Did the talk succeed, by this lesson?

1. A. No, he didn't agree
2. B. Yes, if you spoke clearly and will follow through
3. C. Only if he calls back to apologize

See the answer to question 3

The best answer is B: Yes, if you spoke clearly and will follow through

• A: Not quite. Agreement is not in your control. To improve: reread What you can and cannot control, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
• B: Correct. Success is doing your part well.
• C: Not quite. That is in his control, not yours. To improve: reread What you can and cannot control, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

4. What does the D in DEAR MAN stand for?

1. A. Demand
2. B. Describe the facts
3. C. Defend yourself

See the answer to question 4

The best answer is B: Describe the facts

• A: Not quite. Demanding is not part of the skill. To improve: reread A script for asking, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.
• B: Correct. Start with just the facts.
• C: Not quite. Defending tends to escalate. To improve: reread A script for asking, then explain to yourself why the correct answer works.

Next up: Lesson 4 helps you write your opener, the part that sets the tone.

Mark complete and earn your badge